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Rant, sorry.

I’ve been pain free for around 2-3 months and for some reason I still wake up every day expecting to be in pain or the pain to come back. I should be enjoying it, I should be happy & yet for some reason I just can’t. I was 17 when they did the surgery & I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was “lucky I got diagnosed so young”. I finally got the answer to why I was in pain everyday since I was 15 & yet it was the day I felt like my life went upside down. They burned the endometriosis, they put an iud in me & I was in pain for 3 weeks & then nothing. No pain, no cramps, no more periods, nothing. I don’t know how to deal with this, I really don’t. The doctors told me the endometriosis will most likely come back & that they couldn’t remove all of it because it was to risky. I’ll always be living with endometriosis & I don’t know how to accept that or live with it. I don’t want to get comfortable being pain free because the pain is going to come back.

I can be told over & over again that it wasn’t my fault but it doesn’t matter because I’ll still think it was. Society has taught me that it was my fault, “I shouldn’t have been a tease”, “I shouldn’t have been showing so much skin”, “I shouldn’t have been drinking”. I’ve had these words drilled into my head, to the point where I’ll always think I deserved it. There’s a part of me that’s screaming that I didn’t deserve it, that it was not my fault, even if I was drinking, even if I was dressed like a slut, its not an invitation to rape me. What he did was fucking illegal, what he did wasn’t ok. He gets none of the blame tho, he gets told he did nothing wrong, he gets to fucking live his life, while I had my life destroyed because of him. People keep telling me how I’m brave, but I’m not. I still flinch if someone raises a hand or if I hear a loud noise. I still wake up crying & screaming from the nightmares. I still think about it everyday, I still have flashbacks, everyday I live my life filled with fear. I’m not brave, if I was brave I would’ve went to the police. If I was brave, none of the other girls after me would’ve had to go through what I did. Therapy is supposed to help, but after 1 appointment, its gotten 10x worse. The flashbacks are brutal, I can actually feel the physical pain I went through that night, I can feel him choking me & I can hear his voice perfectly. I really hope people are right that I’m doing the right thing because right now, I feel like therapy is going to kill me or make me go crazy. All I want to do is cry & the flashbacks to stop.